I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
