and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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