i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
