my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
