It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
