I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
