I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
