Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
