I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
