Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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