Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
