I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
