I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
