Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
