You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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