the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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