Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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