I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
