Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
