Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
