I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
God, I missed his penis.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
