before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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