I wish my penis had an off switch
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
