I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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