wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
