She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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