Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Your penis caused this!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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