cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
