My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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