Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
