what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
