i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
