Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize