There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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