I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
