Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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