Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
