Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
