After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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