Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
