how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
