I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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