angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
