no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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