I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
