i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
