I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
