If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
