Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
