I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Less talking, more tequila
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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