Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
