Michael Bay diarrhea
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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