fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
