Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
