well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
