weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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