What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
