I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
