If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
