New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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