im about as happy as oj after his trial
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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