Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
