your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
