People with herpes should wear stickers.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
