am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
